Why this Father’s Day I may just send my kids to JCPenney to buy my whitey-tighties


Speaking of the Minnesota Marriage Amendment: As someone who buys one or two articles of clothing a year, I’m a clothes merchant’s nightmare. My son quit going shopping with me years ago because I spend my time complaining about the goofy crap they sell. And did you see the Christmas sales at Toys ‘R’ Us last July for stuff for Christmas 2013? I know it’s never too early, but really?

Still, a guy does need his new whitey-tighties every few years. For the latest fashions I like to stroll the stylish aisles of Costco. The men’s undergarment department is conveniently located across the aisle from the Edward Casket or 440-roll pack of Viva paper towels. Unfortunately, the undies at Costco come in packages of 18 dozen, and we’re short on storage space at our house. 


Well, listen up, JCPenney: You have my gotkes business now.

The department store chain has responded to the hapless Million Mom boycott for hiring that admitted homo-thespian Ellen DeGenerate with a new Father’s Day ad featuring—get this—a pair of dads playing with their kids.

Their own kids. As in, a couple playing with their kids.

Here’s what the ad copy says:

First Pals: What makes Dad so cool? He’s the swim coach, tent maker, best friend, bike fixer and hug giver — all rolled into one. Or two.

Shocking, right? Next thing you know, they’ll have TV commercials featuring–and I’m not making this up–real live African Americans selling stuff.