by Jeff Fecke || August 7, 2009 • Visiting the sick mind of George Sodini.
Time is moving along. Planned to have this done already. I will just keep a running log here as time passes. Many of the young girls here look so beautiful as to not be human, very edible.
–George Sodini, December 22, 200
George Sodini was, by some measures, a reasonably successful guy. He owned his own house, had a decent job, was able to take a vacation now and again. Only one thing spoiled it: he didn’t have a woman.
|Jeff Fecke is a freelance writer who lives in Eagan, Minnesota.In addition to his own blog, Blog of the Moderate Left, he also contributes to Alas, a Blog, Minnesota Campaign Report, and AlterNet. Fecke has appeared as a guest on the “Today” show, the Alan Colmes radio show, and the Mark Heaney Show. Fecke is divorced, and the father of one really terrific daughter. His debut novel, The Valkyrie’s Tale, is now available.|
Now, you may think that’s an understandable pain. All of us have been alone at some point in our lives, all of us have wished we had a soulmate, someone to share our thoughts and desires with, someone to build a life with. To lack that is understandably painful.
But it was not a soulmate that Sodini lacked; he had no interest in such things. He didn’t want someone; he wanted a woman. He wanted a woman the way some people want a really sweet computer, the way others want a brand new car. His desire was not for a person, but for a thing, an object. And preferably a newer one, without too many miles on it.
A man needs a woman for confidence. He gets a boost on the job, career, with other men, and everywhere else when he knows inside he has someone to spend the night with and who is also a friend. This type of life I see is a closed world with me specifically and totally excluded. Every other guy does this successfully to a degree. Flying solo for many years is a destroyer. Yet many people say I am easy to get along with, etc. Looking back, I owe nothing to desirable females who ask for anything, except for basic courtesy – usually.
–George Sodini, December 29, 2008
If Sodini had needed a car or a television or a computer to be happy, he could have bought one. But he needed a woman, and unfortunately for Sodini, women are not cars. They are people — fully human, living people, with their own wants and desires and needs. That Sodini never really bought into that liberal bullcrap is clear; still, he had to deal with the laws of the land. He couldn’t simply buy the woman of his choice.
Adding to Sodini’s problems was the fact that the woman of his choice was almost impossibly beyond his reach. He was a moderately successful 48-year-old who was not unattractive physically, but not especially attractive, either. Had he reached out to, say, fortysomething women who were moderately successful and of averageish looks — and had he not hated women in general — he might have been able to find a woman who would love him for who he was. But Sodini didn’t view women as people; he viewed them as commodities. And a 48-year-old woman has a lot of wear on the tires. No, he wanted a 20-year-old, and not just any old 20-year-old, but a pretty hot one, the kind the pick-up artists call a “9+.”
He went to PUA seminars – there’s video of him at one, the one guy not in a sportcoat — and tried to learn the secrets of winning the hearts of younger women.
It never seemed to occur to him that he was going about things completely wrong. Ironically, he would until the day he died.
Girls and women don’t even give me a second look ANYWHERE. There is something BLATANTLY wrong with me that NO goddam person will tell me what it is. Every person just wants to be fucking nice and say nice things to me. Flattery. Oh yeah, I am sure you can get a date anytime. You look good, etc. Pussies.
George Sodini, July 29, 2009
Sodini spent his last nine months on Earth plotting his revenge, his revenge on women for failing to simply be his through force of will. His revenge for women daring to have their own wants, their own desires, their own needs.
He hated them for it. Hated the sixteen-year-old girl he saw on an online forum having sex three times a day. “So, err, after a month of that, this little hoe has had more sex than ME in my LIFE, and I am 48. One more reason. Thanks for nada, bitches! Bye.” He hated his mother, saying, “Don’t piss her off or she will be mad and vindictive for years. She actually thinks she’s normal. Very dominant. Her way and only her way with no flexibility toward everyone in the household.” He hated his brother’s wife, a “Chinese-descent, petite woman with no body, no ass, no chest and no personality.” Though he admitted, as an aside, “But she is highly intelligent and an excellent cook. I can testify to that! She home bakes her own DELICIOUS wheat bread! But who cares about that type of small bull crap?”
That his brother seemed satisfied with his intelligent wife did not register with Sodini. Who seeks out a woman for her brain?
–George Sodini, July 23, 2009
The girl leaving the neighbor’s house was the neighbor’s daughter; Sodini can be forgiven for assuming that his neighbor had slept with her. After all, Sodini was reading How to Date Young Women: For Men Over 35 by R. Don Steele, and attending seminars hosted by Steele. He wanted a young woman to fall in love with him, one who was attractive enough for his tastes. One who would be totally okay with dating a 48-year-old who had never been married, who hadn’t been in a serious relationship in 25 years.
In short, Sodini wanted a figment of his imagination, the perfect woman of his dreams, to find him charming and attractive and perfect, despite his imperfections.
I actually had a date today. It was with a woman I met on the bus in March. We got together at Two PPG Place for lunch. The last date for me was May 1, 2008. Women just don’t like me. There are 30 million desirable women in the US (my estimate) and I cannot find one. Not one of them finds me attractive.
–George Sodini, May 18, 2009
It takes a certain ignorance to write that women don’t like you on the day you went out on a date; still, one misdoubts that Sodini was right. The women he dated, however infrequently, likely didn’t like him much. But not for the reasons he thought.
Sodini went to seminars where they told him to “kill the nice guy,” as if niceness was his failing. He read books telling him that if he was assertive enough, bold enough, that twentysomethings would be beating a path to his door. Meanwhile, he was convinced that he himself was unlovable. And he was convinced that women were out to get him, when they weren’t ignoring and/or laughing at him.
One can’t cover up that kind of toxic stew of hatred for long, and no doubt, women who came in contact with it fled, and right quick. And rather than addressing the root of his problem — his own misanthropy — Sodini looked to charlatans and hucksters who claimed that you, too, can get the girl of your dreams if you just insult her enough.
And when even that didn’t work, Sodini turned his rage outward, in one violent, bitter act, an act that transformed him from someone we might pity to someone we must despise.
I took off today, Monday, and tomorrow to practice my routine and make sure it is well polished. I need to work out every detail, there is only one shot. Also I need to be completely immersed into something before I can be successful. I haven’t had a drink since Friday at about 2:30. Total effort needed. Tomorrow is the big day.
Unfortunately I talked to my neighbor today, who is very positive and upbeat. I need to remain focused and absorbed COMPLETELY. Last time I tried this, in January, I chickened out. Lets see how this new approach works.
Maybe soon, I will see God and Jesus. At least that is what I was told. Eternal life does NOT depend on works. If it did, we will all be in hell. Christ paid for EVERY sin, so how can I or you be judged BY GOD for a sin when the penalty was ALREADY paid. People judge but that does not matter. I was reading the Bible and The Integrity of God beginning yesterday, because soon I will see them.
–George Sodini, August 3, 2009
On August 4, 2009, Sodini walked into an aerobics class at a gym in suburban Pittsburgh, and opened fire. He killed three women, and wounded nine others, before turning the gun on himself.
His writing makes plain that he felt no remorse, no guilt, no doubt. He felt righteous. He was destroying the things that had failed to love him, no matter how much he wanted them to. The pretty girls working out in their leotards, going home to fuck their young boyfriends or husbands — they would pay for not fucking him.
Ironically, George Sodini was able to kill those women for the same reason those and other women wouldn’t fuck him: because George Sodini didn’t see women as fully human. Didn’t understand that they have the same emotions he did, that they desire and hunger and despair too. He couldn’t imagine finding someone other than what our society deems “attractive” to be attractive, because he didn’t even find “attractive” women attractive. He lusted after them, yes, but he didn’t want their company, he didn’t want their friendship, and he didn’t want their love. He just wanted them to fill the space beside him, like a trophy on the mantle — a validation of his manhood, his worth.
Because he could not view a woman as his equal, he could not win the love of a woman. And so he fired dozens of shots in hopes of killing that which pained him.
And so he fired dozens of shots in hopes of killing that which pained him, but in the end, only one found its true mark.
The one that killed George Sodini.
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