Journal of American Rocket Science predictions for the year 2014

  • The Hostess Company launches a rocket to the moon to make a smiley face of Twinkies on the lunar surface.
  • Rick Perry gives up Texas politics to become the new Marlboro man.
  • Governor Mark Dayton travels to Las Vegas to delver a speech at a political workshop, mistakenly goes to a comedy club instead, and what became a one night stand up comedy act is a smash hit. Variety Magazine lauds his impersonation of a fumbling politician.
  • The Guthrie Theater closes. IKEA immediately snaps up a deal to buy the building and opens a multi-level bar furniture mart.
  • Block E becomes converted into a multi-store discount mall featuring K Mart, Walmart, Sam’s Club, Mattress World, and The Used Tire Emporium.
  • Latest trend in hip restaurants: pot hole cooking. Chefs will fabricate facsimiles of potholes in city streets, installing burners underneath to prepare food for their patrons – the most popular being pot roast.
  • Minneapolis School board goes for ranked choice voting to select new superintendent: Miss Richfield is elected.
  • The administration of the Minnesota Orchestra will continue the musicians’ lockout with their new economic plan to operate at a small deficit by paying executives and staff without offering any orchestra musical programming.
  • The University of Minnesota will follow the Minnesota Orchestra’s administration’s economic plan: to make funding available for increased staff, the U will eliminate students.
  • Saint Paul officials require uneaten lutefisk must be deposited in a hazardous waste dump.