Dear Citizens of Minnesota (and you little ladies, too!):
Sure, I may be someplace right now that’s going to keep me from voting this November, but with all the time I suddenly have on my hands, I’ve been giving plenty of thought to the Governor’s race.
My conclusion? Tom Emmer’s our best choice to become the state’s next Sales Associate of the Quadrennium.
They say a great politician – like a great pitchman – is somebody who’s a reflection of his supporters. And I’ll be honest, I first started taking notice of Tom when I learned about all those DWIs popping up around him and his campaign staff. As you know, I’ve displayed a fondness for getting loaded and then climbing in behind the wheel of a car, but Emmer and his pals – well, they make me look like a piker. Not only Tom, but both his now former campaign chairs, have been picked up for DWIs! And you know the saying: DWIs and mice are a lot alike. For everyone that gets caught, there’s 10 more that you don’t know about. Why, you almost get the impression that if you work for Tom you’re required to get shit-faced before leaving the parking lot!
Then there’s the bully-boy behavior. Turns out even a lot of Tom’s own colleagues in the GOP caucus can’t stand him because behind his bluff, hale-fellow-well-met façade – so similar to the bluff, hale-fellow-well-met façade I cultivated when I was King of Minnesota’s auto dealers – he’s a big time bully.
Then there’s Tom’s economic plans for the state. I can’t tell you how much they remind me of the creative bookkeeping tricks I used to keep my dealerships going. Until I got caught!
Of course, if your reckless behavior bankrupts a car dealership you’ll likely get sued – or end up in jail.
But bankrupt Minnesota while you’re Governor of the state? You’ll maybe end up being a contender for Vice President of the United States.
Just ask Tim Pawlenty!
To finish up, there are a lot of reasons I like Tom. But after spending a little time recently in some court-ordered counseling sessions, I finally have the words to sum up my support. So here goes.
I’d vote for Tom Emmer – if I could! – because he epitomizes the kind of white male privilege and sense of entitlement that made this country the greatest in the world. And I don’t know about you, but I get the impression that, like me, he banks on that privileged status to allow him to operate with impunity, no matter what he says or does.
Hey – it worked for me. At least until it didn’t anymore!