Thank you, Mr. President

Dear Mr. President:

I cannot express how thrilled I was to read that the Department of Justice has finally put an end to the notion that anyone will be prosecuted for torture committed on behalf of the United States.

Finally, as you so powerfully stated a few years ago, we can begin to look forward rather than backwards.

I personally intend to celebrate this occasion by taking my dog to a public area here in Minneapolis and performing on her the “enhanced interrogation techniques” whose use the ill-informed and so-called “legal scholars” have exploited to attack our nation. Of course, my dog doesn’t talk, so I won’t be able to get any answers out of her, but then that wasn’t really the purpose of using these techniques on humans anyhow.

If she survives, her injuries are likely to be so serious that I thought it would add to the celebration to actually sacrifice her in honor of the Department of Justice. As a proud American, it’s the least I can do.

Again, thank you so much for your resolute adherence to the rule of law and for having appointed Eric Holder as Attorney General.

Sincerely yours,

Chuck Turchick                                     

P.S. On second thought, I don’t have a dog. Would you mind terribly if I borrowed your dog Bo? Just tell Malia and Sasha that it was for the good of the country. I’m sure they’ll understand.