The ranks of pro-life and anti-immigrant activists — two demographics with a significant overlap in membership — find themselves increasingly at loggerheads.
That’s because of reports that hundreds of thousands of people previously considered non-American are claiming U.S. citizenship on the grounds that new state laws declaring embryos are fully developed human beings deserving the legal protections and Constitutional rights afforded to all Americans mean that anyone who can provide evidence that he or she was conceived on American soil is a U.S. citizen.
EDITOR’S NOTE: We’ve heard from some readers who want to know whether to take this seriously. The answer is — of course. It’s satire, which should always be taken seriously. The local version of The Onion may be gone, but Rich Broderick is still challenging the satire-impaired.
“These pro-life politicos didn’t realize they were opening up a real can of hot tamales,” says Immigration Customs Enforcement (ICE) Legal Counsel Thomas Lee Jones. “Now we’ve got all these case files landing on our desks from folks in Mexico and Guatemala and you name it, offering documentation that their parents were in the U.S. anywhere from 42 to 32 weeks before their offspring popped from mama’s tummy someplace else.”
In a typical case under review, a petitioner named Carmelita Montale provided the ICE with a receipt signed by her parents from the weekend they spent at the Sir Knight Value Motel in Laredo, TX, exactly nine-and-a-half months before Montale was born in a maternity ward in Guadalajara, Mexico.
Even more disturbing, especially to those who want to see the tide of immigration from Latin America stopped, are new “Seeds of Citizenship” weekend tours offered by booking agencies operating south of the U.S.-Mexican border. As the promotion for one such tour puts it, “Get Lucky. Visit the U.S. and plant the seed of an ‘Anchor Embryo!’
The weekend tours have prompted calls in Texas, Arizona, and Georgia, and even the U.S Congress for tough new laws mandating the obligatory use of contraceptives by all aliens of child-rearing age within the U.S.
“If we’re going to protect our borders then we’re going to have make darn sure that these illegals are protecting their you-know-whats,” says Sen. John Croynyn (Rep.-TX). Failure to comply with his proposed law would carry a mandatory life sentence for all involved, including any child born from any illegal act of illegal immigrant sexual intercourse.
Others politicians, like Gov. Jan Brewer of Arizona, have gone even further, urging passage of state and federal laws mandating that all alien females be required to take a so-called ‘morning after pill” — an abortificiant — any time it is believed they might have had heterosexual intercourse the night before.
“Forcing these illegals to take the morning after pill is a small price to pay to protect our freedoms,” Gov. Brewer told an Arizona state Senate immigration sub-committee looking into ways to deal with problems caused by new laws aimed at restricting access to abortion.
Predictably, the proposals by Croynyn, Brewer and others have triggered a firestorm among ardent pro-life supporters.
“This will not stand,” vowed Operation Rescue founder Randall Terry. “All human life is sacred, even Mexican, from the moment a child is conceived to the moment the State of Texas puts the now grown up child to death — or to the day the kid publicly comes out of the closet like that ingrate little bastard of ours Jamiel.” Jamiel, Terry’s adopted son, revealed his homosexuality in an article published in the December, 2011 issue of Out, a magazine that specializes in covering GLBT issues.
“Told that wife of mine not to name him that,” Terry went on to fume. “Told her that’s a pansy name. But did she listen? Did she submit herself to her husband even as her husband submits himself to the Lord? Uh-uh.
“No, ma’am, she did not!”