Sometimes you make your friend host a dinner party just so you can talk to a cute boy. Other times you crash a dinner party and learn that one of your friends has kissed everyone she has ever wanted to kiss, another thinks that wearing horizontal stripes and no socks means a guy is gay, and another has a list of people who are allowed to have sex in her bed.
It seems that fall has arrived and dinner parties are the thing. If you’d like to have a dinner party but aren’t quite sure how, follow the following recipe:
• A soundtrack that produces soulful eyebrows
• At least one bottle of wine per person
• A dog in a shirt or sweater (because it’s Fall so dogs can now wear clothing) to pick up spilled food (or eat leftover gluten-free hotdog buns if you’re grilling)
• At least one person who doesn’t show up because they’re tired or “not feeling so hot”
•The jerk who shows up only to text message on his cell phone all night
• Two women who are sleeping with the same man
• “Fighting” over something innocuous, like whether or not that thing where you make a loop out of your sleeves and move your fist up and down is sexual:
• The latecomer who says, “Oh no I don’t need to eat … well, OK, if you insist”
• The one who can’t keep her mouth shut
• The other one who can’t keep her mouth shut
• The guy who eats bizarre (read: inedible) food for attention
• Sex position demos
• Mistaking a straight person for a gay person
• Orgy and key-party innuendo
In a large room, combine ingredients and enjoy the ensuing entertainment.
Note: It’s also best to have someone who arrives at the dinner party late and—before microwaving some pot roast and participating in the game of “find the squash”—yells something like, “Your dog is trying to eat my disposable underwear!” (If you remember my adventure in an Indonesian spa, this might make more sense. It also might help to know that my dog Ninja has a thing for eating underwear.)
At the most recent dinner party I attended, I asked around for the following advice:
- What to write my column on this week.
- How to make myself enforce a “Five Date Rule.”
We then discussed the effect that unshaven legs have your likelihood of jumping into bed with a person. And, in my case if it doesn’t, then will it keep the guy from wanting to check out your bedroom ceiling? How about if he can barely make it down the hall to your bedroom if your place is just such a mess?
Dinner parties are not just good for getting advice on how to be practically celibate, but they also provide the perfect forum to:
• Learn someone’s life story
• Fawn over a gentleman, or, alternatively, discuss how everyone thinks a certain fellow who is present at the party is gay due to his ability to dress himself well
• Figure out how to open a wine bottle only using your teeth (you have to twist your face, not the bottle, so that the label remains facing the drunk ladies the whole time)
• Have a really interesting conversation about something (i.e.: waiting for sex until marriage, whether BJs count as sex, etc.)
• Show off your cooking, dessert-making, and/or super fabulous eating skills
• Try to get someone to bump into that handsome chap so he spills on you, feels horrible about it, and gives you the opportunity to make him feel better
• Play Telephone Pictionary (ask me how!) and be prepared for many drawings of penises and, if you’re lucky, at least a couple drawings of people in attendance at the dinner party
• Meet new fun people
• Get to know said fun people better by finding out when their virginiversary is
If this still hasn’t convinced you to have a dinner party yet, then try something with a theme. I host a yearly B.Y.O. Bacon party and this year Alexandra (she’s the one I gave the paper panties to) and I are planning a string-cheese dinner party where all the dishes involve string cheese. (For the least stupid item to exist, ask @lizbastian.) You can also do fun things with the invite list. Bring two women who had the same boyfriend and invite said boyfriend! Mix in someone who asks inappropriate questions with someone who makes hilariously snarky comments and you have the perfect night ahead of you.
So you start planning you dinner party and I will finish making my list of everyone I’ve ever wanted to kiss and then evaluate my progress.
A special thanks to Lo-Vee for the column idea and Merriweather for hosting all these dinner parties.