Pee Wee Paulose’s Big Adventure


Monica Goodling
1776 Patriot Way
Arlington, VA
Nov. 26, 2007

Dear Goodie,

Well, it’s been quite an adventure out here in Minnesota where I have had the honor, however, briefly, of serving Outstanding American Heroes like our President and our old, dearly departed boss, the Right Honorable Mr. Alberto Gonzales (and how in heaven’s name – not to take the Lord’s name in vain! – is the DoJ going to muddle on without his firm hand on the helm?) as US Attorney. But I have to say I am glad to be heading back to Washington. At least some people there understand that there is absolutely nothing wrong with reading Bible passages during meetings – in fact, it should be a requirement, if you ask me – and that there is no good reason to have to work with fat, lazy black people (not that I ever called that FLB woman in my office any such thing; haven’t I denied that a dozen times already?), and that there is no higher calling in life than being a “loyal Bushie” (count me in!) or that a U.S. Attorney should be focused on anything other than prosecuting drug dealers, child pornographers, and anyone trying to register poor people to vote and dishing out “righteous sentences” to them instead of tying up precious staff time pursuing white collar criminals who are clever and hard to convict and are anyway probably Republican donors.

But there’s one thing I don’t understand and maybe when we visit you can straighten it out for me. When that nice blogger Scott Johnson ghostwrote that interview he supposedly conducted with me for _National Review Online_ he said that I said I was the victim of a smear campaign carried out anonymously by people motivated by racism, sexism, and ageism (Hmm…Do those things actually exist? Oh, yes, that’s right! When they’re directed at a conservative Christian they do!). All of that was right on the money. But he also wrote that I said that the smear campaign was an example of McCarthyism.

Now here’s my dilemma. As with all real conservatives, Senator Joseph McCarthy is one of my personal heroes, an unjustly maligned culture warrior in the eternal fight for truth, justice, and The American Way. Doesn’t that make McCarthyism a good thing? And doesn’t that mean that saying the people smearing me were engaging in McCarthyism is actually a compliment? Why would I want to compliment the very people who hate me and everything Our President (not to mention My Personal Savior, Jesus Christ) stands for? And do you think that this slip of Mr. Johnson’s keyboard might be the reason I was forced to resign as US Attorney? I hope you can help me sort this all out!

Until then, I am yours,