In the whole history of humanity I believe that there are only three things that all human beings will definitivley experience; birth, death and breaking up with someone. Today after much sobbing and heartbreak, I broke up with the Minnesota Vikings. I tossed out all my worn out assorted items with the Vikes logo, my beads, shirts, chip plate and even my beer coozie. I know! If I could’a driven down to Winter Park I would have burned all of it on the front lawn. That will show them, ay? Sadly, I even painted my nails purple and gold. Now I got only two fingers left for them, just so the message is very clear.
In other news I just read that Pope John Paul II practiced self-flagellation in secret. Poor guy, why would he beat himself up when there are plenty of evil, sick minded people who will do it for you? I’m just saying that there is enough misery in our world. Pope John Paul II is on the fast track for “beatification.” In my opinion they need a new word for that.
The reason I am writing about the above news is that I am adding some specific items to my New Years’ resolutions because this year we finally welcome 2010!!! Yay! My youthful heart and my hopes still spring eternal, except for the MN Vikings. It was like I was in an abusive relationship; your 44 partners sez they are gonna get their act together, “really really baby! I mean it this time!” There comes a time when it is glaringly obvious that they just suck and always will be.
Some of us “get it” and others don’t. Hai! Which brings me back to the theme idea for this column. Ah-hem!
Following are my 2010 New Years resolutions:
1. I refuse to be anyone’s victim anymore, forever.
2. I will trust that the truth will out and justice be administered.
3. I will sleep as long as I can and still make it to my appointments on time, thanks to my natural beauty.
4. I will thank my neighbors for leaving me alone, when they finally do. (Not you Lenore!)
5. I will stretch out more often, not just when I step on a dog bone in the night and fall down.
6. I will eat what I want whenever I want, just not so much.
7. I will not yell at my cat Horus’ meowing for his can of food. It’s his only joy, except me, and treats.
8. I promise to spend less time on Facebook. BTW ya’ll I don’t give a $#*% about your farms or Mafia wars. Spare me plz!
9. I will choose my friends much more cautiously, unless you are on Facebook.
10. I will become more ME and not apologize to anyone for it.
Now see? All this is doable, totally. Especially the part about becoming “more me”. I ecourage all of you to become more “You.” There are a lot more compassionate, good and thoughtful people in this world than sociopathic evildoers, so becoming “You” does not mean exposing YOU as mean, ignorant or petty. What I’m saying is that we all have a greater purpose no matter what Rezberry, USA, formerly known as Turtle Island, you currently call home.
In that, I reluctantly include all the current occupants whose ancestors immigrated from whatever Old Smelly Ass Country they come from, willingly or not. I get that now. Wa’ll…sorta. Also in the news there’s an Associated Press story that genuine Scottish “Haggis” may become available in the USA!!! I can’t wait, for sure becuz we don’t have enough questionably packaged meat here at all, yanno? Spamalicious? Tube steaks? Assorted unknown livers anyone?
Now, here is me being true to my NY resolutions. Do plz correct me if I’m am mistaken, how can anyone condemn American Indian Tribes for consuming FRESH BLOODY (rabbit or bison) meat on the kill? (MMM! Warm beating heart!) No wonder our warriors laughed at the occupying nations. As far as I know the only meat your men could successfully hunt and kill was big, fat dumb sheep. And they came to you. Enough said. Talk about fast food.
Whoa! I did not mean to go there, but I did. In my extensive research and studies I have proof that, not only did we American Indians absolutely originate from these North and South continents, but we ate up all the dinosaurs along the way! That is the reason we emigrated East into Asia and Europe via the Bering Strait, we got hungry. True story.
It’s like my Unk Gene always said, “It ain’t easy being Indian…but we do like the taste of fresh blood.”