I’m engaged to be married, and last week I came home to find my fiancée Susie in bed (yes, I mean in bed) with her maid of honor. I was so upset I couldn’t even talk to Susie for a couple of days. Eventually, we sat down and Susie said that she still loves me, she still wants to marry me and be with me, and she’s still attracted to me—but that she has occasional urges to be with women, and she has to satisfy those urges. She swears it’s only a physical thing. I don’t want to lose Susie, but how can this ever work?
You can ask to join in the fun, and make it a threesome! Seriously, just because Susie has sex with a member of the same sex doesn’t make this okay if it doesn’t feel okay to you. The sad thing is that you’re engaged and never knew about these uncontrollable urges until you caught her in the act—at least you know now, before you’ve taken the vows. I understand she was afraid to tell you because she’s equally afraid of losing you. Likely she puts her attraction that she must satisfy on occasion in an entirely different category, compartmentalizing this as a separate life from yours and hers. Regardless, if it hurts you, you have to evaluate what you are now willing to tolerate because I don’t think she’s going to agree to end her wild times with women, at least in her mind, no matter what she tells you.
You should take a couple days alone to think about whether you could live with this, knowing it’s only physical urges, likely not emotional. Consider whether you want an open marriage (which seems a little strange considering it’s marriage, but people do this). This means however, to be fair to you, that you get to play around too. Being with other women does not change the fact that she’s getting variety on the side—it should be balanced. Open relationships work for some people, but they get tricky when they’re unbalanced. You can’t know what will happen, so you have to be open and willing to take this risk if you decide to go this way. On the flip side, she could stay attracted and loyal to you as her husband longer and more deeply if she is able to satisfy the urges that can oft cause people to leave if they feel there are too many restrictions on them and they want to be free to pursue their sexuality.
Another thing to consider, in all seriousness, is to ask whether she’d be okay with you watching. That might dissipate your jealousy and anxiety around this, where her emotions are at, and you may see another side to her that will actually exhilarate and enhance your relationship with her. And, also seriously, you can ask or even insist upon joining in. You have that right, and it could be very fun. She shouldn’t mind if, as she says, it is just physical.
Ultimately, though, if you decide you cannot bear to share her with others, you may have to consider moving on, painful as that may seem at this time. It could be too painful to bear, but I’d weigh these other options, and take some time before you make a final decision.