A Katherine Kersten primer

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How many of you spent a good chunk of this past year staring open-mouthed at the Strib after reading some vacuous “commentary” by Katherine Kersten? We here at the Globe seem to do a lot of that these days, so we decided to do something about it: we asked our resident pop-culture expert Chris Cunnington to explain the process of how to write a typical Katherine Kersten essay. You know, demystify the enemy. Here’s what Ms. Cunnington had to say:

All she (Kersten) seems to do is pick a problem, (Gays might get married and have all the ‘benefits’ actual heterosexual people have…which’ll make polygamists sit up and take notice, right?). Then make it sound “bad” (Seriously? Polygamists?) Then say a bunch of finger-waggy-stuff to validate the Katherine Kersten Point Of View. (Look out Gays! Polygamists might be just as fabulous as you are!)

Don’t forget to lull your readers into a torpor, rendering them senseless and quite possibly immobile. This is where the commentary-as-sedative part kicks in. I’m not kidding. Pick a subject that no one cares about (your Father-In-Law) or one that is so played out no one cares, (Gay Marriage, Outlawing Easter). Then use a lot of 50 cent words, insert a bunch of “Aw, shucks!” family-value-references and make sure your article, despite how pointless it is, has a beginning, a middle and an end.

And now you’re done!! That’s literally all it takes. Why not try and write your own? Seriously, all you need is a misguided sense of morality and, apparently, a really bad Toni-Perm (most likely administered by a good, upstanding neighbor over coffee and Rush Limbaugh). Oh, and be sure to tie your editorial together with a self-righteous “And that’s why” dot, dot, dot.

Actually, in “researching” this piece, I literally found most of her articles too stultifying to read. Usually less than half-way through my eyes would glaze over and I would find myself wondering, “Is that ELO Cover Band gonna play again anytime soon?” or “Are leggings really making a comeback?” Yawn.

So, if anyone reading this hears anything about that ELO cover-band, please don’t hesitate letting us at the Whittier Globe know. And feel free to refrain from reading any and all Katherine Kersten columns. She truly is a knee-jerk-simple-minded troll with a penchant for Toni-at-Home Perms and Self-Righteous-Family-Values. Always take her commentary with food. Do not operate heavy machinery.

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