I O.D.’d on the GSCs

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In Eccelsiastes 3:1, we learn, “For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.”

I can get with this – my life definitely revolves around seasons. Spring is the season of slush and green; summer is the season of long days blading on the Greenway and racing by the river with my dog; fall is the season of new beginnings; winter is the season of endless family gatherings, too many gifts and general nuttiness; and this situation that we find ourselves in right now… this is Girl Scout Cookie season.

(Strategically?) situated towards the end of chilly winter but before warm and sunny spring, the Time of the Girl Scout Cookie is marked by unchecked gluttony, excessive hoarding, and may have weighty side-effects. It can last anywhere from 10 minutes to 12 months, depending on when you receive your boxes, your cohabitation status, and, of course, your familiarity with the concept (and practice) of self-control.

Although, those of us who normally exhibit good to fair self-control in our lives – even in the case of chocolate – find ourselves quite outmatched in Girl Scout Cookie season.

Right now, in fact, as I write this, I am leaving a trail of Thin Mint chocolate fingerprints across my keyboard. In point of fact, I have eaten four thin minty morsels in the last seven minutes, and I didn’t even want them.

That’s 140 calories, since one serving is four Thin Mints (calories from fat are 60). Yes, Thin Mints are rich all right, but not nearly as rich as Samoas (as known as Carmel De-Lites way back in the Old Skool Girl Scout Cookie days), which deliver 150 calories for two (calories from fat are 70). Tagalongs (peanut butter patties), my other favorite, aren’t much better. You’ll rack up 130 calories chomping on a pair of Tagalongs, 80 of which will be from fat.

That’s why I always complete my order with at least one box of Trefoils (Old Fashioned Shortbread). While it is, perhaps, too much of a stretch to call them healthy, I believe I’m entitled to call them comparatively healthy during Girl Scout Cookie season, because you can get 130 calories from four of them, with just 50 calories coming from fat. It’s no apple or orange, but compared to the Tagalong and Samoa alternative, it’s almost organic. I like to follow my Thin Mint or Tagalong or Somoa with a Trefoil, so as to aid my digestion. It quiets the stomach, and gives me room to breathe.

“That’s why I don’t order Girl Scout cookies,” my roommate told me the other day, responding to my complaints of gastrointestinal duress.

I just moaned in response.

“I brought in the rest of my Trefoils to share with my clients because I couldn’t stop eating them last night,” my massage therapist told me at my most recent appointment. Of course, I was in the middle of chewing one, since my own order had not come in yet. “I saw my father earlier in the day,” she went on, “and he was sick because he had just downed a whole pack of peanut-butter sandwiches.” She shook her head. “It’s everywhere.”

Perhaps I wouldn’t feel so bad if I didn’t have to see a little Black, White or Asian girl grinning at me happily, playing basketball, climbing or fastening Brownie badges on her sash with her closest Brownie-friend. When I was younger, I wondered why they were so damn happy. Well, it turns out, if you look very closely, you’ll see the words “Sucka” written in extremely small print, right beside your name.

Turning over the box, you’ll see a cute list on the side, stating “You’ll be surprised what a Girl Scout Cookie can build: Strong Values, Strong Minds, Strong Bodies, Strong Spirit, Strong Friendships, Strong Skills, Strong Leadership, Strong Community.” I would like to add one more item that a Girl Scout Cookie can build: a wider backside.

As I am a Black woman, I am A-OK with my backside widening. In fact, I consider my backside one of my finest features. Any help I can get from the Girl Scouts in enhancing this attribute is welcomed – especially if it helps build Strong Values, Strong Community, etc. in the process.

I have to admit though, that when I looked at my box of Samoas this morning, I breathed a sigh of relief: there were only two left. These dark digestive days are almost over. Soon, I will be able to open the pantry without simultaneously licking my lips and shuddering. Indeed, Girl Scout Cookie season is coming to an end.

That Bible is always right.

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