Dear Cyn, hey Nicky—
My boyfriend and I broke up a couple of months ago after dating for a year. I really care about him, and I miss him, but I wouldn’t say we were in love. The breakup was pretty mutual, and we’re on good terms; we’re in some of the same social circles, so we see each other every once in a while. The other night we happened to be at the same party, and at one point in a quiet corner he tried to kiss me. I asked what he thought he was doing-did he want to get back together? No, he said, but…you get the idea. I definitely thought about it-it wouldn’t have to be any big deal, right? If we were both clear about things? Everyone needs some…company every once in a while? Right? I was about to text him right now, but thought I’d try you guys first. Can you give me the all-clear on this, or am I missing something?
Don’t do it! From my experience, when you start sleeping with an ex, someone ends up getting hurt. While you might not feel like it will hurt, my bet would be that the physical connection you are proposing might bring up some feelings you won’t want to revisit—especially if you miss him and care about him. And even if you’re okay with this, who knows how he feels. Yeah, you both say it doesn’t mean anything, but once you get between the sheets, one or both of you may forget those words and let your feelings get the best of you.
I broke up with a guy a few years ago and I was over him, we were friends, and on good terms. I thought he was over it, too, so we kept hanging out and also started having sex. Well, he doesn’t talk to me anymore. Because, guess what? He got hurt. While I was okay with it, he wasn’t. Even if someone says they’re okay with something, you never really know how it will end up. I also have had exes who I “missed and cared about” who I knew I should never again get physical with because I’d probably get attached. It’s hard to have a physical connection with someone who you used to have an emotional connection with, without re-kindling any of that emotion.
Yes, everyone does need some…”company every once in a while,” but do yourself a favor and find someone new to have some “company” with. I bet there are a lot of men out there who might like to keep you company. You should be out meeting them and moving on from your ex. Getting intimate with him will be moving backwards—not forwards—from the relationship. If you’re looking for something purely carnal, go for it! But go for it with someone new, otherwise it’s going to be about more than sex.
If you don’t heed my advice, at least make sure the lines are clear from the get-go. Maintain your emotional distance. If either of you starts getting attached, call it off. And remember, if what you’re looking for is a new relationship, then you’re wasting your time having a roll in the hay with an ex-lover!
Good luck keeping your pants on with the ex,