Don’t spend your “Money Money Money” on “Mamma Mia!”

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I was eating a Chipotle burrito before Mamma Mia. My friends and I had been hanging out at Peavey Plaza, and then went to Chipotle to eat before the show. We split two burrito bowls (and Chipotle always tastes like sweet relief when I haven’t eaten it in a while) and I was so hungry I decided to get a burrito after that.

Then my digital watch impersonally said (while doing the Stanley Kubrick stare) “6:55leave,” which was our cue to go. 

We walked pretty fast. I was trying to scarf down the monster of a steak burrito before we got to the Orpheum. I had a cup of water that was being brushed aside like the husbands of Donna’s (the mother of the [other] main character who is a “strong and independent female” who gets married with an “oh what the hell” at the end. STUPID.) rich friend (blond tall woman who wears clothes that don’t function as clothes and makes jokes that go something like “MONEY MONEY MONEY, IT’S ALL PRETTY FUNNY, BECAUSE I LIVE IN A RICH MAN’S WORLD [minus the rich men who are dead or divorced lawl]”. It cried out for dear life (would that be more water?) when I threw it in a garbage can outside the theater.

You won’t be forgotten little friend. 

The burrito had a more fortunate fate. It got to sit through Mamma Mia in my lunch box. 

Wait, no, the water got off easier. Because Mamma Mia sucks. 

For comparison, Mamma Mia is like The Room of musical theater. It’s concept is flawed, it looks very low budget, the actors are funny because of how bad they are, etc. The only things Mamma Mia are really missing for that comparison to be perfect are spoons, Tommy Wiseau, and crappy sex scenes. But there are already enough crappy sex jokes in Mamma Mia. So it goes.

Mamma Mia sucks, like an ancient, dying whale breaching the surface of the ocean for it’s last, lonely breath of polluted and futuristic air. But it’s a musical designed for an audience who is much older, whiter, femaler, and suburbaner than I am, and in my opinion, is a pretty good con artist if it still makes a ton of money while being (seemingly) very low budget and low quality. I laughed at everything that wasn’t a joke. I made faces at the actors as if I were Snoop Dogg while watching Days of Our Lives. And oh boy, I’m surprised that people didn’t look at me funny. Or Madeleine, who was furious. They probably wanted to. I would’ve. My faces were the best part. To me at least. Even though I ended up making the same ones, as the same basic ideas of the plot were trod upon, and I really, really, wanted the show to be done. (ohlookwhocanrhyme)

I should be used to being stuck in a mass of people who are enjoying a show I…don’t. The warmth of the Orpheum should not lead to my hotheadedness as much as it does. (Albeit, for this one, I was laughing a lot more than I usually do. But-not-at-the-jokes-because-i’m-a-hipster.)

So why do I this, and go to shows I’ll most likely not enjoy at all? Probably so I don’t make the same mistakes as the productions I so fervently dislike do. It would be really stupid to have gone through the Les Mis list, the American Idiot hangover, and the soul ripping, throwing on grounding, dunking in gasoline and lighting with the ashes of it’s cigarette while walking away into the sunseting that Mamma Mia was.

Although, I have to believe that Mamma Mia is just smarter than I am. So I’m hoping that secretly, the reason Donna’s ex-boytoys all sung so badly was some reference to the oh-my-partner-is-serenading-me-but-it-sucks experience.  And that really, Mamma Mia’s plot took place in Greek mythology, with the island off the coast of Greece where the story takes place being in the River Styx, while everyone is dead and ready to move on to their designated part of Hades. 

Skye and the girl who’s name escapes me because:

  1. It doesn’t really matter
  2. I couldn’t really understand the actors, and didn’t really want to try to
  3. Her character was super meh. But that’s not saying much, because all of the characters were super meh.

Oh it’s Sophie, or Soph as she was known to her obnoxious bridesmaids friendy things. Thanks IMDB. Why did I remember Skye then? Who knows.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled point;

When (Skye and Sophie) walk off into the moonlight at the end. They’re totally just descending deeper into Hades. Totally.

But at the same time, this is one I should like. There’s a lot of interaction, not as heavy a focus on set pieces, and BASS. But those pieces were masked under so much exaggeration that they fell flat. The interactions were that of dudebros and dudebrogirls until they decided to get serious during the second act, but at that point, I couldn’t take it seriously. It’s hard have your seriousness be taken seriously when that seriousness is happening during Mamma Mia, where a girl has to find out who her father is out of three men the day of her wedding and on and on and on and on and on and on.

But maybe that’s the joke. 

In closing:
Go to see Mamma Mia if you:

  • LOVE LOVE LOVE ABBA
  • Fall into the category of a middle to upper age suburban woman who LOVE LOVE LOVEs ABBA
  • Like the movie or something
  • Think stuff like The Room is hilarious (but obviously, not the way the directors intended it to be)
  • Have 2 hours to kill
  • Like pretending that Keytar’s are used in pit orchestras
  • Can tolerate Broadway musical tropes
  • Are entertained by the idea of Abba+Bass

Don’t go to see Mamma Mia if:

  • None of those apply
  • You don’t think you’ll like it (you probably won’t)
  • Are youngish
  • Only want the bass. We have Soundset for that (which is totally my target demographic isn’t it? Yeah)

Or just don’t go period. Don’t feed into this vicious cycle. RISE UP AGAINST THIS TOMFOOLERY by not giving them your money. Cause it’s silly.