There’s a colleague of mine at work—we don’t work closely together, but we’re in the same company—who’s smoking hot. I’m single…but he’s married. With a kid. We have great chemistry together, and when he started at my company last year, we got friendly very quickly. Our e-mails started getting more and more personal, and eventually he said outright (in an e-mail) that he really had the hots for me. I tried to brush it off with a, “Ha ha, I guess that’s one of those things that will never happen,” to which he replied, “Why not?” Right away I replied saying that I wasn’t comfortable getting romantic with a married man, and that I didn’t want anything to happen between us that his wife wouldn’t be 100% okay with. He apologized, and then we didn’t really talk for a while.
Eventually we started talking again, and he actually invited me over to his house for dinner. I accepted, and had a nice time. He hasn’t crossed the line again with any inappropriate comments or suggestions, but it’s obvious (at least, to me) that we’re still really attracted to each other. Should I keep my distance, or do you think this friendship is okay?
I’d advise you to be careful with this hottie colleague! Is the friendship okay? Sure, but why are you really interested in being friends with him? Since you both are incredibly attracted to each other, being friends is going to be difficult as it is, and it seems like he may not have a good sense of boundaries.
Being platonic with a man you want to mount is never easy. I once told an ex-boyfriend I still found attractive that I couldn’t see how we could be friends when we found each other incredibly hot and still liked each other enough to be friends. I still find that true. Yeah, sometimes you get to know a man well enough to realize that no, you don’t want to hop into bed with him, but that can take some time. I think this guy does not have the same sense as you do about what is appropriate, so before you get to a comfortable friendly place with him, he may cross the line again.
Sometimes you meet a married guy and hit it off and it’s obvious that it will go nowhere past friendship. Sometimes it can be unclear and you have to watch your step. But this guy came right out and said that he was okay with something happening with you even though he is married and has a kid! He’s given you reason to beware, so do just that!
If you think that being friends with this guy is really going to add something to your life, other than steamy sex-on-your-desk fantasies, then go ahead. But proceed with caution! If he gives you a reason to believe that he is still looking to meet you for a romp in your office, then keep your distance. You said you don’t feel comfortable with that, and you’re 100% right to not get involved with a married man.
Consider why you want this friendship to blossom: because he’s a spicy hot hunk of man-meat, or because he’s genuinely worthy of being a part of your life? Make sure you want this friendship for the right reasons.
Remember, there’s no sex in the copy room,