Multiple people commented on how unremittingly obscene my favorite tweets of December were. I’m not sure if that speaks to my holiday mood, Twitter’s holiday mood, or both. Anyway, my favorite tweets of January happen to feature much less profanity. Per usual, I’m not republishing tweets from protected accounts, but my favorite “secret” tweeters this month were @ms_ericaaaaa and @iamsex.
“Santa just got kicked out of palmers!” (@TheIverson, January 1)
“Took this earlier today, yup, we still celebratin the New Year in NE [Twitpic above]” (@C_Rocka, January 2)
“I dreamt he had a cheeto for a penis. I woke up and checked to make sure. not a cheeto.” (@meatpit, January 3)
“admittedly, i’m enjoying the lurid looks my chest hair is receiving in wilde roast.” (@JohnErvin, January 3)
“Bringing my taser to the gym for all the new years resolutioners. #didntworklastyear #notgonnathisyear” (@thatwhitebitch, January 3)
“When I’m the next Bachelor, I’m going to be like EFF THIS ZIPLINE, can you color commentary an episode of 30 Minute Meals with me? #truetest” (@MarcusMichalik, January 3)
“Oh, good, Al Roker is going to give his fake weather report now.” (@Reebs73, January 4)
“WHY MUST YOU USE GIANT SPINACH IN MY SALAD? What do you have against baby spinach?” (@24kgoldsher, January 4)
“Seriously it is like ferngully up in this salad” (@24kgoldsher, January 4)
“Febrezing the DVD player: claire’s OCD has never been this bad” (@MIIICHELLLLLLE, January 4)
“he keeps saying ‘when you’re healed…’ Dude, I wasn’t shot, I just have my period. chill.” (@meatpit, January 5)
“My new segment suggestion: ‘Who’s Datin’ Dayton’ is being met with skepticism in the newsroom.” (@DeRushaJ, January 6)
“Visited Cayman Islands today. Long lines of evil masterminds withdrawing funds from secret bank accounts. #JoCoCruiseCrazy” (@JosephScrimshaw, January 6)
“His date sucked, is passed out drunk in his bed. Were downstairs drinking. Whats the tact level here?” (@meatpit, January 8)
“The helpful man who came to fix my light switch got my car unstuck for me. I’d chalk it up to MInnesota Nice, but he’s from Queens.” (@katiesisneros, January 9)
“Hilite of 2nite: dude behind dj booth threw his shirt into the crowd, then got on the mic, asked that someone bring it back bcuz it’s cold.” (@kobbybahn, January 16)
“Sometimes u hear somebody’s voice and just know they’ll be carrying a yoga mat.” (@NicoMuhly, January 21)
“it’s 4:40 AM and my trainer just texted me to tell me that its almost 70 degrees in Hokitika. It’s good to know who is doing coke these days” (@stadakuby, January 23)
“Things are gettin real emotional with me, Oprah, and Oprah’s half-sister.” (@MarcusMichalik, January 24)
“Someone left their pregnancy test box in the mctc bathroom. New level of ‘classy’ reached.” (@ClaireMPLS, January 25)
“On this application to a coffee shop: ‘Why do you like coffee?’ Honestly, how do I answer that without sounding like an asshole?” (@MIIICHELLLLLLE, January 25)
“i like the UofM sweatpants/northface zip up/ uggs/ longchamp tote combo cause it says ‘yeah, it costs a lot to look this trashy'” (@hsilkchampagne, January 26)
“Turns out mom’s on twitter. She follows, among other people, MC Hammer and Ryan Seacrest.” (@katiesisneros, January 26)
“I don’t think the guy that runs Payne Personal Training really had any other career options.” (@thatwhitebitch, January 29)
“Maybe a little snowplow can be attached to a Segway. If so, can the @HumanOnaStick Tour please swing by my house for a bit?” (@SemiProScott, January 31)
“I’m a bit late to the party on this, but I’ve recently developed a huge crush on Anthony Bourdain. Cook for me, you saucy misanthrope.” (@Sheila_Regan, January 31)
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