Don't write him off for one word—no, not even THAT word

Dear Cyn,

There's a guy I've gone out with a couple of times; it's gone well, and I was looking forward to the next date when I saw that on Facebook he called a certain female politician with whom he seriously disagrees (for the record, so do I) the c-word. The one with four letters, used to insult a woman. I showed my friends, and they said to cut him off—any guy who would ever use that word is a sexist jerk. I'm not so sure-he's pretty outspoken, but that's one of the things I like about him. I'd rather he didn't go there, but I don't know if I'm ready to entirely write him off just because of it. What do you think?

-Nora

Dear Nora,

Thanks for sending in one of the easier, no-brainer questions I've had in a while! You like him, you agree with his politics, you like his outspokenness...I wouldn't sweat the c-word, personally.

I would perhaps agree with your friends if he was using it a lot, whenever he was annoyed by a woman. But, I have to say, thinking of a couple of women politicians in particular, even I might be inclined to use that word—at least, under my breath. Because when someone is conducting Shiva the Destroyer behavior on Gaia, Mother Earth, she is not really one of us, and thus does not deserve any such respect. It's gloves off, no holds barred, when a woman becomes apologist for the oil companies and insists on more drilling in the face of vast, overwhelming death of ocean life, marshlands, and the destruction of the future of our grandchildren. Someone who does not respect life? There is no name bad enough in the English language for such a person, man or woman.

(Just an aside: there is a movement of feminists seeking to reclaim the "c" word, not only as acceptable, but as an honorific. Eve Ensler, for example, has a section of The Vagina Monologues called "Reclaiming C---." Just another way you can look at it.)

So, no, I would not write him off. Keep dating him as long as it feels good to you. He sounds alright to me. If he uses the word in your presence, simply tell him it offends you and you prefer never to hear it from him again; he should keep it to himself. You've only dated twice, and he's still learning your boundaries.

If you ever get in a fight and he calls you this, however, hit the road. Because that is not fair fighting, it's personal. It's not like political, er, discourse.

Just pay attention to your gut feeling at this most crucial time, the beginning of the relationship—to what you like, what you don't like. Does he actually seem sexist in other ways? Follow your instinct; don't compromise if there's something that offends you deeply and he's not willing to change. But stay, if you like him. Don't just follow what your friends say, if you disagree. They can warn you, and that's fine, but ultimately it's your decision, alone, as a strong, independent woman.

Good luck,
Cyn

Photo by Andrew Rennie (Creative Commons)

Cyn Collins

Cyn Collins (cynth@bitstream.net, Twitter @sophiacollins) is a Twin Cities freelance arts and culture writer.