When your man is burning up the dance floor...and you're feeling burned

by Cyn Collins | 4/30/09Dear Cyn,

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, but there's something I've been having a hard time with lately. He's a really good dancer—as in, people stop and watch. I enjoy dancing, but I don't have his moves—swinging on poles, winding his hips, doing the worm—so I tend to hang back while he busts out. He usually gets the attention of several women, and though he doesn't do anything flirtatious or inappropriate with them, I can't help but be a little jealous. I want to be honest with him, but I don't want to spoil his fun...what should I say?

Thanks—
Petra

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Dear Petra,

life of cyn is published each thursday as part of the arts orbit weekly newsletter. click here to subscribe. have a question for cyn? submit it, anonymously if you'd like, as a comment on this post. if we don't get 'em from you, we have to make 'em up ourselves.

It sounds like you have nothing to get hung about, as the Beatles would sing. I hate to tell you this, but he’s doing what he loves. He is being good, in the sense of not flirting or doing anything inappropriate. Of course you are worrying about “what ifs” (“What if he is attracted to one of the women coming on to him?” “What if he flirts/does something inappropriate when I’m not there?”) These things are entirely possible, and you can’t stop them. So it is good to have a talk—if you don’t feel comfortable talking to your mate, there is a problem with the relationship! Relationships have difficult issues that spring up from time to time. So get over it and tell him how you feel. Say something like, “I know this is unfounded, you are being good to me, but it troubles me that all these women are clamoring for you when you dance, because you are so sexy! But I want to keep you to myself." Ask him if these women are tempting. If he says he is attracted at times, but he is solidly with you, and will not do anything to hurt you regardless of temptation, that would be honest. Just saying you feel jealous will help you feel better, and he’ll understand and continue taking good care to not do anything to fan the flames of jealousy further. This is life with a dance star. You can’t make him stop or he’ll shut down, distance, grow lackluster—any number of things that are more damaging to the relationship than seeing women hit on him.

I suggest stepping up your own moves a notch—take a bagara or belly-dancing class, or a pole-dance/stripping class such as they offer at Flex Appeal, so that there is a level playing field. (If you can’t beat ‘em...) Better yet, take a salsa/tango class with him, so you’re doing it together. I don’t care if you think you can’t dance. Even if you don’t have his moves, you can overcome this with passion and flair and personal style! Get out there and join in, so you don’t feel isolated and outcast.

Sincerely,
Cyn Photo by Archibald Ballantine (Creative Commons).

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