16 days: My activism against gender violence

by Amina, Kenya Imagine • The violation of women’s rights, is a violation of human rights. She is your mother, your sister… another human.

All this really depresses me. Every time I meet a woman who tells me that her husband is hitting her, and that she cannot leave him because she cannot afford to, or because he community will cast her aside, I wish I could talk her out of the relationship.

Power is cruel. It is cruel when a man because he has economic and perceived social power, hits a woman. Beats her up to put her in her place.

Recently I caught up with a long lost cousin. A few years ago, she eloped with her Prince Charming. She was too young to marry you see. She knew her folks would object. But love spoke to her. You see, he loved her. He was good to her. They went to high school together. Then they moved to the US. He isolated her. Her parents did not know what was best for their relationship, he said. He was right, she said. Why can I not be with the one I love. So when they moved to the US, she had no social network. One day he came home, and the food was cold. She had made it too early. One would think he would heat it in the microwave, no? But, he would rather yell at her. And then he hit her.

You see my cousin is the daughter of a doctor. And her mother is a prominent business woman. So she was born into privilege, so she never saw herself as a victim. And when he hit her, she was shocked. But she loved him. And she wanted him to be happy. So she thought she deserved it. Nonetheless, the first hit was a shock.

Funny thing is, I think she learnt it from her mother. No, not taking the violence. Her father, he would never hit her mother. But he had other women. Another form of abuse. At first he kept a secret family, and then later he didn’t care. The second “wife” she was young enough to be his oldest daughter. The “first” wife she held onto him. She loved him, she said.

And so my cousin learned from her mother. That a man can disrespect you, and get away with it.

So one day, with a black eye, she met a social worker at the supermarket (they call them grocery stores), and the social worker she knew that my cousin had been hit. And she gave my cousin a card. Call me, she said, you can find protection.

She was a foreigner. He told her, if she reported him to the cops, they would deport her. So she took the beatings. A part of her wanted to show her family that she could make it out there in the US. That her decision to elope was right.

But one day, yes in 2008! he beat her senseless. She was in bed for days. And when she got up, so did her senses. She dialed the number on the card. Moved into the shelter. She found that the state would sympathise with her case. She was married to an American. And on grounds of his violence towards her, she would get residency.

It’s a slow process, but she is recovering.

There are millions of women out there like my cousin. Talk to them. That’s your activism. You might not be able to change the world, but empower the abused woman you know in your life. It might take years, but one day she will make the right decision.